Summer Vibe

I just wanted to write a quick update in case you are wondering how some things are going. My Guide Dog application is complete and I have a home interview scheduled which makes everything seem really real. I’ve seen some friends on Facebook who are in the process of training with their dogs and it’s so so exciting. I’m going to be on the cancellation list, and if all the stars align, I will go to training this summer before I start school. I’ll just have to wait to see how it all shakes out but I’m adopting realistic optimism as my attitude for the time being. Worst case scenario, I will have to wait until sometime next year to get my dog. Either way, a guide dog feels like a step in the right direction for me to continue to grow as an independent blind woman.

Also upcoming is my Summer Orientation for Seattle University. It still feels like a dream that I am able to go to this school in the city I love. It’s not the easiest route I could have chosen, by far. The school is expensive and I’m going to have to work hard But it’s going to be worth it. I feel like I’m really going to blossom in college and I can’t wait to start working towards my career.

My other summer plan is that I’m going to be interning at DO-IT, a camp that I went to a few years ago. It’s for young adults with disabilities who are interested in STEM and college bound. I’m looking forward to mentoring students as I was mentored before. That camp helped me gain much of my confidence and realize what kind of things I wanted to achieve.

All of these things are floating through my mind and giving me all kind of mixed feelings. Right now though, I’m just soaking in simmer and time with my family. I’m reminded now that rough patches can’t last forever and that sometimes a loss is really your circumstances changing to get ready for your future. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I know that I have come this far and nothing is going to stop me from achieving my dreams

 

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Reflections

Life is a state of constant change. Even when we don’t know it, things around us in life are always changing. Circumstances, relationships, moods, if you think about it humans are incredibly temperamental. Simultaneously, we’re also habitual. As a child, we’ll touch a stove twice even though it burned us the first time, and we still do it as adults. We keep toxic people in our lives, we do things that are unhealthy for our bodies, and possibly worst of all, we consistently stay in mindsets that hold us back from being happy. These kinds of behaviors can be really difficult to change because sometimes we don’t realize that we can be our own worst enemy.

I have been treated poorly by people in my life, but two years ago I experienced the worst treatment I have ever known. The perpetrator was the person I know better than anyone, the person should be able to trust the most.

It was me.

Of all the times “friends” have walked all over me,the times partners mistreated me, and the times strangers have been incredibly rude to me, none of it compares to the way I treated myself during my depression. I wanted others to accept me for my disability and who I was, but I was more harsh and ignorant toward myself than any of my peers. Not to say that their words didn’t hurt and have impact. If I had one kind person in my life during those times, I may have never gotten to the dark place that I found myself in. The funny thing is that I could have, and should have, been that person for myself. Instead I dissected all of my mistakes and punished myself every day, mostly for things that i had absolutely no control over. I know I’m not the only person with a medical condition who has done this. I’ve found that the best decision I ever made was to realize that I’m not a mistake. I work hard-sometimes harder than most people- through disability and the depression and anxiety that comes with it and I’m building a future for myself. I used to be ashamed to have a visual impairment. Now, I’m proud to be exactly who I am, and I love the way it feels.

In my head, I have this kind of reverse mirror of Erised. I look into it and see all the things I used to be, and I compare it to who I have become. Stay humble, but don’t forget to give yourself credit for the changes you have made. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you and never accept less respect than you give. Above all, respect yourself because how you carry yourself sets a precedent for how others will treat you.

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Love Yourself

I think of people and their personalities as something that is very abstract. There isn’t a scientific formula for the contents of a personality, and therefore one can never be sure how a person is going to react to a given situation. Some people are highly logical, while others are propelled largely by emotion. No two people are exactly the same, just like our fingerprints. The problem is that what is inside someone, what “makes them tick” is not as easily examined as a fingerprint or DNA, but is often much more compelling.

These facts and more are the reasons that human relationships are often complicated. There will always be work in the therapy field because people will always have problems. One of the ironic things about human behavior is that we often know more information about ourselves the anyone else and yet we often don’t understand the way we feel or why we feel that way. One of the things I have learned about my personality is that I am very empathetic.

I don’t think that I have a psychic superpower, or any kind of power. I’m just attentive to how the people around me feel, even if I don’t know them very well. Sometimes I find this part of myself helpful–it forces to pay attention to how my actions affect other. By the same token it can also be a hinderance. Always gauging how other people feel and taking on what I perceive to be their mood can make it difficult to tell how I am feeling about a situation or to act normally. For example, I often feel extremely agitated if I watch someone who i very nervous giving a presentation even though I am sitting in the audience

So, why am I telling you about my weird quirk? I’m telling you because you have them too! Everyone has different attributes that nobody else has. We spend so much time getting to know other people. Memorizing names and relationships and how others act. Sometimes, though, we don’t take an adequate amount of time being introspective. Maybe we don’t want to see our flaws. The fact is, you’re going to have flaws whether you think about them or not and it is much better to know yourself in terms of identity rather than letting others define your traits. Accepting yourself for all that you are is absolutely essential to staying happy. And think about it; who knows you better than you?